Love in the time of hookups – one does not preclude the other

I’ve always been the type that is hard pressed to keep my hands off of myself. Ever since I was young, my fingers roamed seeking sensations, finding pleasure.

It took me what felt like forever to find that pleasure with others. Looking back, I’d been going about finding it wrong. Their touches, fumbling and empty. Their hands not eager for my flesh as I was eager for their touch. I was an experience, and my enthusiasm usually made me a good one. I read a lot of books about how tactile pleasure works, and how humans bodies work. I learned how to touch myself, then I learned how to touch girl bits, and a couple years later, the boys came along.

I’ve spent so many years now feeding my skin hunger. I’ll tell ya, it’s like pouring sand through a sieve.

Throughout my dating and fucking life, I’ve been likened to a succubus on more than one occasion. I know how to use my touch to create feelings, sensations. I can often push away my emotions and thoughts if I can just put my skin on yours. We don’t have to think, let’s just touch, and feel. I grow stronger as I kiss deeper. I glow when I’m being used. Almost as if being sexual, and sensual is what I was built for.

Beyond the purely physical, I discovered ethical non-monogamy. This was a missing puzzle piece in my world. I think that a lot of my sexual proficiency comes from a strong desire to please, and an abundance of love. I can love you without being IN love with you. I can love you, and the fact that you exist in the world without wanting to fuck you. I can fuck you, and love you, and still be okay if I never hear from you again. I can fall in love with you, think about you every day, and only see you twice a year. Each relationship is different, but my love doesn’t change.

What am I looking for at this point in time?

I don’t want to have to stifle my love or follow arbitrary rules that have no logic to why they’re in place (3 date rule, anyone?). I want to share a connection, gush at you, touch your face, rub your back, kiss your skin, and maybe even love you. I am struggling with being so openly gushy with people who do not know me well. I am worried they will misinterpret it to be more than it is.

I want to be vulnerable and express my appreciation and profound joy for these unique experiences that I am privileged to have with individuals who encompass so many of the good qualities that make the world a better place. I want them to feel as amazing as I think they are. But at the same time, I don’t need them to be my partners, or to be in relationships with them. So I guess I just worry.

Loving you doesn’t mean that we need to get married and have babies. Far from it. I am committed to myself, to my daughter, to my future, to my excellence, and potential. But part of that future is tearing down structures designed to instill shame on people for having bodies, using bodies, and sharing bodies. We need to smash that shit. So what will I do?

I will fall in love, over and over. I will share my life with my partners and friends. I will welcome them into my heart and offer my love freely while demanding respect and compassion in return. I will work on modeling the behaviours I want to receive. I want to know boundaries, hopes, dreams, expectations, needs and wants. Knowing the difference between these can only improve communication and satisfaction within whatever relationship structure we develop.

I will inevitably get my heart broken. But as my heart is still mending from my last relationship’s end, I can tell you, that loving them was worth every second of pain I’ve endured losing them.


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