Introspection: Communication, Expectations & Harm Reduction

Does anyone else notice themselves more often giving what we want to get as opposed to asking for what we’d like to receive? Or asking what our person wants to give or receive?

I’ve thought about it a lot lately. I like the idea of putting energy out into the world that you’d like to give back. I’ve always disbelieved in pure altruism, but enjoy the concept of reciprocal altruism. This is basically just the Pay It Forward mentality – I do good things, hoping the people I did good things for will go forth and propagate many-a good thing.

Then, I feel a superstitious sense of “banking” goodness. Like if I put out all the good and kind I can by manufacturing a mobile soft space to land (me) for folks who need a break then I am optimizing my potential while banking energy in the universe.

I think I like to offer intimacy and care of myself. It comes fairly naturally to me, but as with many natural talents, it is one that needs to be honed. It’s easy to pick up bad habits, but still, pull off a good game.

I may be able to throw a ball harder with shitty posture, but over time it may cause a strain, or make me more prone to injury. The emotional version of this is that I may be willing and able to offer intimacy and affection of myself but if I’m not doing the work of communicating clearly about my own boundaries, hopes, and expectations while using introspection to inform my decision making processes, then I am tacitly accepting risk.

Risk of:

• Discomfort & Insecurity of either myself or the person with whom I’m engaging from a lack of firm boundaries. Whether it stems from proxemics, physical boundaries or emotional discomfort due to unfamiliarity or social incompatibility.
• Disappointment from having unmet expectations, often ones that were not communicated clearly, if at all.

“Discomfort and disappointment? Risky? Phsaw, Cassie, I’m gonna jump out of a plane, swim with some sharks and have unprotected oral sex with a relative stranger, don’t talk to me about risk.”

Just hear me out. (Also, high five, those can all be solid choices, so long as you have a risk profile (think interpersonal risks, not a business/financial risk) you do your best to adhere to and communicate so that informed enthusiastic consent is maintained the whole way through!)

One of my thought experiments is: what if starting relationships (of all kinds) on small hurts that are just supposed to “come with the territory” of getting to know people is grooming us to accept harm as a necessary part of life? And what if it isn’t?

Since shit hit the fan in 2015, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve unlearned a lot. I still have a wealth of information I’ve only scratched the surface of. Some truths that I know.

1. I am responsible for my own actions. I may not be able to control my feelings or thoughts, but I choose my actions. This can be a bit of a sticky pickle when you’re talking about mental health issues, especially ones that have low impulse control or dissociation components. That is a topic for another day
2. I am more likely to be hurt by wishing and hoping than I am by asking for what I want.
3. If I’m going to be hurt more by receiving a no or a negative response, then I am not ready to ask the question.

These three truths inform how I interact with every human in my life on a daily basis. This brings me back to the difference between giving what we want to get as opposed to asking for what we’d like to receive.

This series of inquiries can manifest in many ways, I can list a dozen, but I’m not open to that level of vulnerability with the internet right now. See? Setting boundaries.I think that my fear of causing harm definitely tints my lense going forward to the point where I may cause pain when intending to encourage growth. So I bring myself back to my first truth. I am responsible for my own actions. Not the feelings of other people. If my actions cause hurt or harm, then that is something to look at no matter my intention. The fact that I have caused very real harm in the past has pushed me towards harm reduction in all avenues, which isn’t always advantageous, but I feel comforted by trying to immerse myself in harm reduction as much as possible, hoping I can avoid repeating future mistakes.

I still make mistakes. I still hurt people. Yeah, I’m disappointed. The difference in me is that when I’m disappointed, or hurt, or being called out for causing harm of sorts, I am more able to take that information into myself and bounce it off of my core values before acting defensively without thinking much. If I am feeling a certain way because I am holding silent hope in my heart for an outcome with a wistful sense of urgency that I didn’t communicate, this informs me of a needs gap in my communication path. From there I can recalibrate and make choices that will harm myself less in the future.

I’m slowly learning that harm reduction isn’t just something for other people, it’s for everyone. It is for the person who chooses to have a cigarette instead of self-harm. The person who steals prescription meds because they’re afraid of taking dirty speed on the street. It’s for the business person in the office who chooses to use “they” as a default gender in conversation instead of switching between “he or she”, “he”, or “she”. It’s the teacher who cares about pronouncing student’s names right and doesn’t joke about how they’re hard to pronounce. It’s smiling at a stranger even when you want to cry because that stranger has nothing to do with why you’re crying. Harm reduction is an infinite series of choices.

And we’re in control of our actions.

I often say out loud that “I don’t understand how folks who are causing harm could learn this and not want to stop.”

That’s a lie. I understand it. I’m not different or better than people who don’t embrace harm reduction because “life is painful, get a fucking helmet.” But once I caused harm to one of the greatest humans I’ve ever known, and I was too arrogant and self-absorbed to see it. So now I work (almost) every day to do my darndest to prevent myself from repeating patterns.

None of this has a quick fix, or a tidy summary. It just is.

No matter what it is, just wait, it’ll change. But it’s my responsibility to act in ways that align with my values as change presents opportunity.